There is never a good time to break up with someone.
No matter who begins the breakup, it’s going to hurt.
There are bad times to break up, such as around Valentine’s Day, or the day before the prom, or during a time of year when you’ve made a lot of social commitments together.
However, if the relationship is clearly over, those might not be terrible times to break up. It can be just as bad to be miserable together on Valentine’s Day, or during a busy social season.
In fact, you may both feel relief to separate and start fresh, on your own.
First, be sure it’s the wrong relationship for you.
Here’s a video to help you decide:
Here what to do if you’re breaking up:
Rules if you’re breaking up with him
1. Don’t use breaking up as a threat. Either you want to break up or you don’t. Threats don’t work, long term.
2. Break up in private. Don’t tell others about the break up before you tell you partner.
3. Allow lots of time to talk it through with your partner.
4. Break up in a private, neutral location: Not your home, not his, and not in a restaurant.
5. Break up in person. Never break up — or even hint that you’re going to — over Facebook, email, text, or the phone. (Exception: If you’re worried about your safety, a distant break-up is okay. But, don’t pretend you’re afraid of him if you’re really afraid of facing the emotional pain — or lack of it — you’ll encounter.)
6. Make it a clean break. Just say that you want to break up, and calmly make a few, general points. There’s no reason to blame him, no matter what he’s done wrong. (If he’s at fault, losing you will be punishment enough.)
7. Don’t backpedal. It’s over. You both need time apart.
Then, whether he broke up with you or you broke up with him, give yourself time to get over the breakup. Rebound relationships are almost always a disaster. Worse, they spread the pain to new, innocent people. It’s better to be alone for awhile.
After the breakup, when you’ve had some time away from your ex, take an inventory of what happened. Are there things you can learn from the experience?
If you’re still hurt and confused, maybe you need some relationships advice. It could help to talk with a minister or religious counselor, a mental health professional, a relationships expert, or simply read about relationships.
It may sound trite and unsympathetic, but there’s always something you can learn from every relationship. Think of it like trying on clothes at the store: The first few dresses (or blouses, or skirts, or jackets) may not be right for you. In the process, you’ll learn what colors are best (and worst), which size you really are, and whether stripes are okay or a disaster on you.
If you can look at breakups in the same light — as a learning experience that will make it easier to spot Mr. Right — the pain can be less when you and your recent boyfriend make your separation permanent.
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If you were in a relationship — or thought you were — and it’s over now, you’re probably in a lot of pain.
There are several stages to recovery. The first is to allow yourself to grieve. Though there can be some benefit to acting happy until you forget about your pain, denial usually postpones the pain. It doesn’t remove it.
Worse, if you’re shutting off your emotions to avoid pain, you can miss important cues that could help you, long term. You might even overlook Mr. Right.
One of the best ways to deal with heartbreak is to process it through physical activity. Give your apartment a good “spring cleaning.” Remove all reminders of your relationship. (Don’t throw them all out, just put them in storage, for now.)
Join a gym or start an exercise program at home. Find a friend to walk with, daily; many women process things — and talk them out better — when they’re walking.
You’ll have sad times and happy times. The happy times will gradually push out the sadness. That’s part of healing.
So, step one is to allow yourself time to recover, at least briefly.
How long is “briefly”? When you’ve just broken up, talk with a few friends you trust. Explain to them that you need to grieve, but if it looks like it’s going on for too long, they need to tell you. In some cases, professional help may be needed, whether that’s a heart-to-heart talk with your minister or time with a professional counselor.
The next step is to gradually resume your normal routines.
Once you’re feeling even a little bit better, get out and see people. See lots of people. It’s too early to date again, but the sooner you resume a social life and see friends, the sooner you’ll get over Mr. Wrong.
You’ll know you’re recovering when you can look back on the relationship without anguish. Another sign is when you can calmly evaluate what went wrong, on both sides, without blaming him or yourself too much.
When you can shrug and say, “It just didn’t work out,” you’re ready to date again.
The final step is to learn more about relationships, and begin dating again. That’s the kind of information you’ll find at this website.
The following video is sweet and it includes a lot of truth. Tyler is just a kid, and he says many things that are cliches. They’re also things you may need to hear, as you’re recovering from a breakup. He speaks from the heart.
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How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806 – 1861)
Sonnets from the Portuguese
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.
- William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616), A Midsummer Night’s Dream
“Baby, You’re the Only Dream I’ve Ever Had That’s Come True.”
- Robert Duvall (1931 – ), Song title
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
– William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616), Hamlet
Why wait any longer for the man you love
When he’s standing right in front of you.
- Bob Dylan (1941 – ), Lay, Lady Lay (song)
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken…
– William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616), Sonnets (No. 116)
We are most alive when we’re in love.
- John Updike (1932 – ), quoted in Singular Encounters
No sooner met but they looked;
No sooner looked but they loved;
No sooner loved but they sighed;
No sooner signed but they asked one another the reason;
No sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy;
And in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage…
– William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616), in As You Like It
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
- Carl Jung (1875 – 1961)
Love is everything it’s cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
- Erica Jong (1942 – ), quoted in O Magazine
He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In !
― Edwin Markham (1852 – 1940)